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I realised what I've been running from these past few days by escaping into WoW is fear. I was raised to believe that you're not supposed to be scared, that only "wet" people show fear, "stiff upper lip" and all that. But I just realised that any sane person would be scared in my shoes. I'm more scared now than I was last time he had a relapse, because I know how bad things can be on chemo. I know he can lose his voice, lose feeling in his legs, get all kinds of infections, get sepsis. The other side of Little T is that he cries. He cries a lot. I think that's good too. Though I could wish his life had less pain.

I don't think I want to cry all the time. I'm not a baby. But certainly one of the reasons I think he's happy much of the time is that he feels whatever he's feeling at the time. I sometimes want to pretend that I don't feel anything but good in the hopes the bad will go away. Unfortunately life doesn't work that way. I just need to feel what I feel. I feel better admitting I feel scared like a weight has been taken off my shoulders. Thanks for reading.



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Feb. 9th, 2006 07:54 pm (UTC)
A wise man once told me that anyone who's not scared when they're facing something scary is either stupid or crazy. Makes a lot of sense to me.

Also, courage is not the absence of fear, it's feeling the fear and going through it anyway.

Sorry you're having to go through all of this, I'll be thinking good throughts for you and Little T. Make sure you take care of yourself as well, fear and stress can wear you down fast.
Feb. 9th, 2006 11:37 pm (UTC)
Thanks for reminding me about the meaning of courage. I really needed to read that today. I try also to take care of myself. Don't always succeed. But yeah I definitely need to be reminded of that too. It's easy to put myself last on the list. But if I break down then the entire family goes off into the ditch. Mothers hold up the sky. :^)
Feb. 9th, 2006 11:50 pm (UTC)
You are a very powerful person to deal with what you're dealing with and still be able to talk frankly about how you feel and how you're holding up.

****hugs**** for you and Little T.
Feb. 11th, 2006 04:31 am (UTC)
I think the key statement you made here is that "any sane person would be scared in my shoes." Of course they would. Top it off with the distress that comes from hearing one's child cry ...

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