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I've been feeling this sadness for the past couple days. I woke up last night with this sad weight on my chest. Maybe it's partly hormones. I'm having my period right now. Or the fact that I went on a hike last night. Part of it was going to my hs reunion and not talking about Little T at all. It was a conscious decision. It's not something that I want to share with people I'll prolly not see again for years. But perhaps the unsaid words pressed down on me.

Maybe it was that during the hike we shared memories of the past 3 years to celebrate Jenny's birthday. And unfortunately my most clear memories are of the past year and many of them are bittersweet. I should be saying it was a lovely party in which we hiked up a hill, watched the sunset and chatted. We got a bit lost on the way down and were back way after closing time, but the ranger waited around for us, and only ticketed one of our cars. And the party wasn't about me. And I did feel happy for Jenny, but the party also forcibly reminded me that the past year has been very difficult.

Maybe it's just that now I have the luxury of feeling sad. Little T's slowly getting better. We're starting to think about vacations now that we've managed a weekend away. I guess it's a pattern. I just can't feel sad when things are going badly, it detracts from what I need to do. So I feel sad later. I'm trying to remember that and just let myself feel sad instead of telling myself I should be writing or doing other useful things. And then I read back in my blog that the last time I felt really sad was July 1. I guess it's okay to feel sad, because Little T still doesn't eat and has some kind of swallowing problem, not to mention his non-functional arm. It's still a long road to get to healthy. Maybe we'll never get there. I never had a dream I'd have a normal child, but healthy yes. Doesn't every parent? I'll give myself a few days. Thanks for reading.


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Jan. 12th, 2006 12:44 am (UTC)
Kathleen said...

hugs hugs hugs

Of course things are still difficult, of course you are worried, of course you are sad. You should allow yourself sadness if you feel the need; nothing is gained by denying your true emotions. Those of us who know and love you will understand, and the rest don't matter in the long run.

8/17/2005 05:51:16 PM

Jenny said...

I'm so sorry you've been sad. These have been particularily rainy days this past year. Hopefully the rainiest you'll ever see.
For what it's worth, here are some of my good or funny memories from the year:
- Seeing T for the first time in the NICU.
- C falling asleep on the couch during a very loud and raucous party with many screaming toddlers running around.
- Making apricot jam.
- Getting away for delicious and expensive sushi.
- Not having to deal with PAMP politics and personalities.
- Finally getting to book club!
- Feeling comfortable enough to drop in your house when I'm in the area and starved with no food.
- T starting to smile, recognize me, and poke his tongue out.
- Our first pedicure.
- S & K having their usual screaming good time together, dressing up and running around the house.
- Watching you get your groove back, become a writer, and rediscover yourself.

8/18/2005 10:22:00 PM

Thida said...

Thank you both so much!!
Your kind words touched me and lifted my load a little.

Thanks very much for the memories, Jenny. One of the best things that's happened this year is that it's brought my family and yours closer together.

8/19/2005 02:43:10 PM
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