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I'm somewhat depressed. Or is that sad? I am grieving. The closest analogy for me is when I'd break up with someone. My heart literally aches in the same way. My jaw tightens. My throat hurts. I feel the weight of sadness on my chest. Part of me is so glad that chapter is over. I have no regrets. But I'm processing what happens. I need to process, to feel sad, but it drains me.

I don't really want to do anything. Special K's angry at me, because I started withdrawing. I started reading My Sister's Keeper, a very depressing book about a girl whose parents created her so they could harvest her blood, organs, etc for her sister who has leukemia. I realised I had fallen into old habits of reading a book instead of dealing with my own feelings. I remember clearly in grade school after a classmate said something to me that made me want to cry that I biked to the library and read Moreta. I could feel sad, but it wasn't about me. And it didn't show on my face as much. Sadness was wimpiness. Sad people were too vulnerable. It wasn't until age 21 when I first broke up with someone that I learned to cry.

Special K loves a good cry. She cries everyday. In fact she just woke up crying. She said "Hurts" probably her neck had a crick in it. I'm not ready for a good cry yet. But I'll try to take a leaf from her book and feel more sadness.