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No longer terrified

A couple nights ago I had this dream I was pregnant again. I woke up, not scared, just thinking I should pee on a stick, and find out for sure. Previously this would have been a nightmare for me. Of course I'm not. I am exhausted much of the time. I am, as the Catholics would say, Immaculate.

Nothing in my pregnancy/infants has gone according to any plan. I have to admit I haven't shared my story with anyone in its entirety, except for C. But today I want to. It's helpful for me, and may be helpful for someone else.

Before Special K, I had an unplanned pregnancy despite use of birth control pills. I continued to take them hoping that would result in a miscarriage. Thankfully it did. I wouldn't have been able to have an abortion, but once I was pregnant, I realised I didn't want a child with my boyfriend (who wasn't C), even though we had discussed getting married and having children together.

Special K was also unplanned despite condoms. C and I were already engaged. But for a time I was annoyed at the timing. I was working full-time, getting my MBA, and planning a wedding. Shouldn't stress prevent conception? Clearly not in my case.

After Special K was born, I wanted a particular timing between the kids -- 2-3 years. I started charting, and actually trying to have a baby. A novel concept for me. On our first try, I got pregnant. Unfortunately it was another miscarriage. Was it because I flew early on in the pregnancy or went to a volcano with nasty gases? Or just a bad egg?

I was pretty crushed. We took a break from trying for 3 months, though I continued to chart. Then we both felt ready and tried again. The result was Little T. The timing was perfect. Little T's health was castrophic. I have never regretted Little T for a second.

But I have learned that I can't plan anything to do with my pregnancies. I am content with two children. But I still have this feeling, we'll wind up with three. This thought used to fill me with terror.

The saying "abstinence is the only reliable method of birth control" is perfectly true in my case. Great for teens. Not great for a married couple.

C is supposed to get snipped at some point. However I have heard of women getting pregnant, despite the man getting one. Once in a great while, the snip repairs itself. I wouldn't put it past us to achieve such a feat. I'm not willing to undergo major surgery myself, given that I have enough to deal without adding major surgery to the mix. And as women sometimes have ectopic pregnancies after the procedure.

I'm very pleased that I have passed the milestone of no longer terrified of becoming pregnant again.

Comments

( 2 notes — Leave a note )
plantgirl
Feb. 2nd, 2007 10:49 pm (UTC)
Isn't it nice to realize a fear that brought us stress in our life has gone away?

(Irrelevant to your fears/concerns, but I think the accidental pregnancy rate for a vasectomy is said to be < 1%. That's a pretty small risk. Also, if it reassures you or C at all, several of my friends have had them recently, and report the procedure to be pretty simple, and easy to recover from.)
poets_hand
Feb. 3rd, 2007 05:25 am (UTC)
It's a nice testament to Little T's health that you no longer feel terrified of having another little person to take care of. It's also a testament to your strength, that now you feel like you can handle more. Not that you want to, but you could.
( 2 notes — Leave a note )