I still have a few I haven't sent yet, but the majority went in the mail today. This is the earliest I've ever sent Holiday cards. I feel very pleased and proud. If you still want one from me, I still have some left over and can comment here to get one. You can also just send me one and I will send you in return.

Belated and in no particular order
I'm thankful for

• baby Sam who shares the same birthday as me and is healthy and handsome.
• handsome Little T who allowed me to savor this past year as a baby and then suddenly lept into toddlerhood in August. I'm so proud of you and daily in awe of your determination and yet equanmity. It's a real privilege to watch you grow.
• Special K who tells me she's "not a princess". Already at age five, she's as one parent put it a very self-possessed girl. You lept into reading this year. I could say many other things, but you can already read so I'll just say that I'm very proud of you and you'll always be my little sunshine.
• C who has tried really hard this year to grow with me. Not always an easy thing.
• That we live where we do and can do what we like for the most part. For all that I complain about certain things like health insurance. I have health insurance and the freedom to complain. Luck especially when I think of how some of my relatives live and the millions here who just get by
• Our new mini van - a frivolous thing to be thankful for, but it has brought our children such simple joy and me the freedom to drive
• The daily hugs and cuddles I get from my kids.
  

Sorry gotta stop now.  Little T needs me.  

Someone is giving away a free permanent LJ account. You can't nominate yourself, but you nominate anyone else who posts regularly on Livejournal. Spread the love around and nominate someone. Go here for details.

I was thinking about this as I was driving to pick up Special K from preschool. How sometimes the kindness of strangers has gotten me through the hard times. The permanent account thing reminded me of this story that I wanted to tell a long time ago. But I didn't, because I was embarrassed. But it still warms my heart. It cheered me up an hour ago.

My local parents club started a hospital helping hands program shortly after Little T's second hospital stay. A baby Little T's age had leukemia. I'm glad to say she's cured now.

I didn't know any of the parents and it was very freeing. You can always tell when someone makes a meal with love and sometimes those meals literally were the best thing that happened to me that day.

One time a parent packed a little surprise for Special K in a special box with Disney Princess gold-foil chocolate coins, some stickers and a little candy watch. Special K had been acting up that day, unable to express her stress and anxiety about her brother, but she just lit up when she saw that package. "Is that for me?" she squealed. My eyes tear up when I think of it even now. Those gold coins inspired her for a couple weeks, because she got one at the end of the day if she was a good girl. It was even her idea! And by then the immediate crisis was over.

How for the past week I've just wanted to be happy, and happiness has eluded me. And the sunlight glinted off the trees and the sky was a perfect blue and suddenly I was happy. Before Little T was born, I was happy or at least cheerful most of the time. Life just seems too inherently funny not to laugh at it most of the time. Rushing to the ER and being in the hospital does have its hilarious moments, at least for someone with my sense of humor. Unfortunately several weeks of dispensing the same medicines over and over again and being sick with a lingering cold virus just isn't funny, at least not to me. The same jokes get old. Maybe a greater comedian than can find fresh ones. But at last days of sun after days of rain, and I remember that at some point I will get over this cold. And I need to stick my head over a steaming bowl of water. And I do find that funny. I find the idea that pharmeuceutical companies have spent billions in researching the best cold remedies, but this steam is the best thing for me. It makes me smile.

So how about you give me more smiles and share your stories about the kindness of strangers, or if you like what you've done for a stranger?

Little T's smiling and scooting again. I feel such joy that I'm starting to have my son back.

He says "gah" a lot. Gah means something in Little T language, because it has many intonations, but I just don't get what it means. I asked him yesterday if he wanted a bottle and he said "yeah." I haven't heard any more intelligible words since. The previous word I heard was "bye" on Thursday though C says he said other words to him. Little T now has a vocabulary of four words: hi, bye, no, and yeah. However he says at most one word a day, so nobody but C and I know he can talk. When Special K knew four words, she said them over and over to anyone who would listen. The entire world knew she could talk. She had one Special K word "meh", but she kept saying it until C and I got what it meant -- food. It's such a contrast.

I took a few days off. Kinda hard to write when you have to hold a baby. Also Special K is having regression problems i.e an accident once a day usually accompanied by crying. I guess it's to be expected. This is the first time she's had any real problems, but it's also the first time Little T's been sick and not gone to the hospital and she's older now and perhaps better able to understand. So I've been holding her a lot too. A friend's taking her on a special outing tomorrow, which I hope will help.

But I started writing again yesterday. My non-fiction book's at 21,205. I'm hoping to have my book proposal done by Thanksgiving, but it may be unrealistic given how much baby and child holding still remains in my future.

My mediamonkey playlist got me back in the writing groove. I'm up to 18,690 words. I'm 60 words away from rewriting my book proposal.

It's been an odd couple days

C's friend has calmed down, but nothing has fundamentally changed, so I feel the situation is only just waiting to explode again.

I read and critiqued a friend's novel that was wonderful, but also heart-wrenching.

I just joined a study that might actually help me with my dystonia. I'm scared to hope, but I can feel hope pressing against my chest.

Little T has started pulling up on everything. For weeks he would only lean up on the leather couch and haul himself up that way. He tried other places but couldn't quite do it and would cry at me to help. I tried to help and he'd scream at me more. On Tuesday Special K and I were doing puzzles on the coffee table, Little T had to pull and see. With huge effort, he pulled up all on his own. Now he pulls up as he never had any problems and he's working on cruising. All of this involves a lot of fussing and crying as he gets frustrated. He wants me to pick him up. I have a sprained ankle. I shouldn't pick up a 19lb boy especially one who's arching backwards. I relent more than I should. By about 6pm my patience has worn thin. C doesn't get home until 7:30. I try not to go crazy before then. Some days I succeed.

I got no writing done yesterday as I was so worn out with dealing with Little T that I slept through most of the time the respite care worker was here. C really doesn't understand how draining the constant crying is. Today I wrote about 300 words. I'm behind. I must borrow my quota from other days.

What I've been doing instead over the past couple days is to put together over 20 hours of music that makes me happy. We can play music on our Tivo, but without a playlist after a while, it mysteriously kicks back to Live TV. During the daytime that's a lot of bad tv. Now I have music for parties too. I feel a real sense of accomplishment. I made the playlist using MediaMonkey, which also makes me happy -- the name of the program that is.

Dear Little T
Today you're one year old and this is the public portion of my letter to you, which I hope you'll read when you're older.

Knowing you brings such joy in our lives. Right now you're sitting next to your sister. Your hand is on her knee. You're gazing into her eyes and cooing at her.

Yesterday your sister suddenly kissed you and said "You're the best brother ever." I think you're the best son ever. Before I had kids, I didn't know that a baby could express love, but you do everyday. When you gaze into my eyes and reach out and gently touch my face, I know you're expressing love.

I love how you gaze at me intently with your eyes shining brightly as if I was the most fascinating person in the world. Perhaps I am to you, at least at that moment.

You laugh everyday. You even laugh in the ER. You laugh at your favourite joke. You pretend to put your binky in someone's mouth. You laugh, because just yesterday you learned to scoot.

You've had a very difficult year, Little T. The gods willing, it will be the most difficult year of your life. You've spent a fifth of your short life in the hospital. I won't lie to you. You almost died several times. But I really admire you Little T. You struggle so hard not just to live, but to thrive. Though I do complain about your eating, you've overcome great odds to be as healthy as you are today. People, even doctors look at you and marvel at how far you've come. I really don't know anyone who remains as steadfastly cheerful in the face of adversity as you. Yet you also scream loud and long if you don't like something and you believe something can be done about it. It's a unique combination.

Daddy and I had to make a lot of decisions for you this year. I wish we could have asked you what you wanted. I think we understand your spirit somewhat and we tried to do the best we could. I hope our decisions turned out to be the right ones. Time will tell. But we always did what we thought was right for you at the time even if it was personally painful for us. I even wrote a personal essay "His Tube Ate My Boob" in part about the feeding choices we made for you that I really struggled with.

I don't know what the future may hold you for, Little T. I hope we get to spend many more years with you. But whatever happens, even with its heartaches and medical horrors, this year with you was a treasure and gift to us. Now that we know you, we'd always choose you, because you are our most beloved best baby brother and son.

I just realised I'm much more nervous about being a bridesmaid at my brother's wedding than a bride at my own. I knew I was marrying the right guy, so the rest was gravy. I figured if I made a total idiot of myself at my wedding, at least I'd end up with C at the end of it.

We had a lovely wedding, even though apparently someone did try to ruin it by making a big fuss. However we didn't hear about it until afterwards and this person fortunately only seemed to affect those immediately around them.

It was one of the best days of my life. I was filled with joy. People blog all the time about love and sometimes it sounds so simple and it isn't really. But I do have one simple thing to say about love. To me, love means that occasionally if it's only for a moment, you honestly and truly believe the person is the most amazing being on earth and it's because they did something that lights you up. For me, one of those moments was my wedding day. But weddings are often like that. There have to be others. Another for me was when C truly laughed at my silly jokes when Little T was so sick.

Sometimes people mistake love for I think X is the most amazing being on earth, because I love X. That's not love. That's tautology. If you never feel that way about your SO, it's not love, it's desperation or low self-esteem or something else that keeps you with that person. These feelings of amazement are usually fleeting and they never last. But those moments keep me going in the bad times. IMO sheer will power won't do it alone if you never have the moments of joyful amazement. It's also not worth it. Making a marriage last is hard work. Why do it if not for joy?

Some folks who've been married for a long time say you need to be able to fall in love again. I think I'm saying the same thing.

From plantgirl
If you are so motivated, please list three things that delight you. These may very well seem trivial to others. matter of fact, i think the more particular they are to you, the better and if you're curious about other people, you may want to gently suggest that they do the same.

Little T's laugh
Getting a big hug and kiss from Special K
Dancing with C

Please spread joyfully.

I made a special trip to Target today to get a little thing I now can't live without. It's a MAM pacifier keeper that attaches the pacifier to Little T's clothing. Why I can't I live without it? Well, I was woken up at 2am, because Little T couldn't get to his pacifier. It had migrated out of his reach. He can only roll once and not that far. Also he can only reach with one arm.

When I clipped the Keeper on him, he grinned hugely at me. I think he missed it too. He likes playing with the cord and being able to put the pacifier in his own mouth.

I bought 3 of them and another set of pacifiers. I don't even care that now I have to get rid of 12 things.

Here are some other little things I can't live without:

• Tea
  
• Milk for my tea
• Straws - Try drinking tea while your hand jerks and you'll see why.
  
• Diapers for the kids, not for me.
  
• My Internet calendar to keep track of Little T's myriad apts
• Fruit

But someone on a mailing list just asked what makes you happy in the long-term sense. Here's my list:

• Having people to love and adore and who also love and adore me
• Having friends who are trustworthy and dependable
• Feeling useful and valued. Most of that comes from me, but I'm not
• evolved enough not to need some external validation.
• Intellectual challenge
• Feeling free to express my whole self and pursue my passions
• Finding something to laugh about everyday. One of the many things I love about C is that he laughs with me when I make jokes in crises. To me, my life is essentially funny.

None of the items on the first list are on the second list, though I am happier in a local sense if I get more sleep. And the MAM keeper helps me get more sleep.

What little things can't you live without and what makes you happy in a long-term sense? I found it an interesting exercise. I hope you do too.