I feel basically happy right now. 48 hours ago I felt totally stressed and sad. My brain kept telling me "Please end this now. I want this to stop." I wasn't exactly suicidal. Just so overwhelmed that I didn't know what to do with myself. The overall stressors in my life haven't changed much. I've fixed two things. I have arranged for more childcare. I went to the gym for the first time in two years.

Ten minutes into exercising on the elliptical machine, I realised I was smiling, partly from the endorphin rush and partly from the absurdity of it all. My legs felt a bit tight and stiff but the up and down motion felt soothing. The knobs sliding in the grooves looked silly and mechanical. The little LED lights go up and down like one of my son's toys. The timer tells me just how long I exercise like a little child on timeout. And there's something supremely absurd to me about paying to exercise on a machine. I bow to the machine. I can push myself on the machine in a way I can't left to my own devices. It makes me smile how I need technology to exercise.

I also only like the really expensive elliptical machines at the gym. My body does in fact notice the difference. The less expensive machines don't glide as well. The ellipitical machines at the gym push my knees just a tad, but not enough that they hurt. Non gym elliptical hurt my knees after 5 minutes.


I also did a few weights. See, the weight machines have a little LCD display that lights up as you lift the weight up and down. So satisfying!

I realised I have my stress relief all wrong. One of my first hits should be the gym. I get free childcare, exercise and time to contemplate the absurdities of life.

I had this idea that I hated exercise. So I'm surprised to learn I was in fact wrong. I loved the elliptical the last time I was at the gym. I just forgot about it, because it didn't fit in the 'I hate exercise' belief I had about myself. But now I must stand up and say "Hello, my name is Thida and I love exercise." I promise I'm still a nerd too.

I lost ten pounds because I go to restaurants less often. At restaurants I tend to eat far more than I would normally. A restaurant typically serves bigger portions than I'd serve myself at home. At restaurants I am distracted from what I'm eating, because I'm talking. My sister tells me that restaurants pile on the fat to make their food taste better.

Now about twenty minutes after I leave a restaurant, I feel this overfull feeling that I hate. I used to like it, but now I recognise it as "I ate too much." I'm trying to teach myself to eat less at restaurants by telling myself I can take it home.

Think I could make a mint selling a book with my new diet?

Sorta following a similar principle. C just told me about a diet where you eat light virgin olive oil and sugar every day. It's supposed to reduce your appetite so you don't overeat. It's supposed to fool your body into a lower set point for your weight.

I'm now within five pounds of my prepregnancy weight. Other parts of my diet include lifting a 20lb baby and forgetting to eat from stress. I guess that wouldn't sell too well. But seriously I hope the weight loss is a result of my body gradually returning to normal after months of high stress, but I still need to do better,(Edited to clarify) not in losing weight, but in taking care of myself. My weight has never been a real issue. The few extra pounds has just been a symptom of stress and lack of exercise. I'm fortunate because in someone with worse genes or worse general food preferences (I just naturally like fruit and vegetables, can't stand soda, and I feel sick if I eat too much processed foods), it could easily be fifty pounds or more.

One of the items still on my to do list is to buy an elliptical machine. We decided to wait until we sold the house. It will close on Friday. I'll give full details about the sale then.

Poor Little T is turning in a lap baby again thanks to chemo. Sporadically he's very clingy and wants to be held a lot. I hadn't mentioned also that we need to meet with radiation therapy. Bleah. Except our HMO is being slow to approve it so we may need to cancel our apt on Tuesday. Double bleah.

Special K also goes through bouts of weepiness and clinginess too. Little T's not sleeping well and so that means she doesn't sleep well since they share a room. We talked today about how to handle grumpiness and about asking for hugs instead of just clinging to people. It seemed to help. What also helped was yesterday she got a whole bunch of stickers from a kind someone, I don't even know. But she just light up and squealed "Stickers!" and now we have stickers all over her swing. Yes she still sits in her baby swing. And on various bits of paper.

I played with Special K and Little T for 1 1/2 hour today which I confess I haven't done in a long time. Not since Little T had his relapse. Of course I do play with the kids every day but in shorter chunks, or in longer chunks with C. With C, the play is different. I'm not sure I could quite explain it, except to say with me, she's really into imagination play, so we had her stuffed animals talk a lot. I played until Special K said she wanted to watch tv. And I think she needed to veg out a little. Either I've been too exhausted, overwhelmed, busy with Little T's stuff, Little T's been too demanding, or doing some necessary chore. The state of our house indicates I will play with the kids over any non-essential chore, but sadly dealing with Little T's issues, his numerous med apts/doctors and just running a household with one immuno-compromised member means I have a lot of stuff to do. It makes me wonder if we just need to suck it up and get a cleaner again since last weekend I spent time cleaning the bathrooms, which were disgusting instead of playing with the kids and then I was exhausted. And maybe I would feel better if I didn't feel the house was a constant mess. Shopping is also difficult since I can't take Little T shopping. I know Safeway and Albertson's deliver, but I don't actually like to shop at either place.

I also need to start doing my posture and wrist exercises again. And exercise regularly. Until I do, I know I'll keep getting sick. I am coping with too much. dawnd linked to her Rob Brezsny horoscope and mine was spot on.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
"Earth is a school and daily life is our classroom," asserts Dan Millman in his book Living on Purpose. Our teachers aren't always experts and authorities, he says, but often appear in the guise of strangers, acquaintances, children, animals, and unexpected circumstances. The lessons we're asked to master come to us first as simple, straightforward challenges. If we refuse to work at solving them, they take on progressively more difficult and painful forms. Among the most basic of our assignments is the mandate to take good care of our bodies. In my opinion, Sagittarius, that's the most important homework you have in the coming weeks. I hope you'll make dramatic strides in your understanding of what helps your body thrive.

I know I've made huge strides in learning how to take care of myself, thanks to Little T, and Special K too, but I have a long way to go.

I know I should exercise more. I know that exercise will help me relieve some of the stress that build up at times like this. Right now I'm still actually too sick to exercise. I have this lingering cold virus that has settled into my sinuses. When I went to the doctor, he specifically told me not to exercise. Last week I took a walk with my sister, and the next day I felt worse. So this is more a public reckoning that when I get better, I should integrate regular exercise into my daily life.

Little T's platelets dipped slightly to 93 today, but we're starting to slowly wean him off steroids. The steroids have made him gain weight, now at 9922 grams, which finally puts him on the growth chart at just above the 5th percentile. He also grew 3 whole cm after a month of no growth. He's now 71cm almost 28 inches. He's the complete opposite body type of his sister who's tall and skinny.

I had a brain wave yesterday about how to get me to exercise: buy an elliptical machine. Then I can exercise while the kids watch tv or rouster about. I need to do weight bearing exercise to relieve stress, increase bone mass for my bordeline osteopinia, and so I can live to at least 100. C can't decide if it's a crazy or a wonderful idea. The machine will just about fit in our bedroom if we move furniture about and get rid of a chest of drawers.

I see two other alternatives for exercise:
1)pushing the stroller around. It's hard work with two heavy kids, and hard to get myself to do it. It's also very hard on my wrists.

2) take a class or go to a gym. Unfortunately Little T can't go to childcare at the gym due to being immunocompromised. And he'll probably be medically fragile for months, so I can't count on any solution which involves him going into the gym daycare. I could cut into the childcare time I have currently to exercise, but that leaves me less time to shop, run errands, write, shower, etc. Keep in mind that Little T is not supposed to taken out to public places.

I confess I've taken him to the library once or twice when Special K was going stir crazy and I got desperate. It's a large public place and he can stay in his stroller. As long as no-one touches, him or breathes on him, and he touches nothing outside the stroller, it's okay. But I have to bring hand sanitizer with me. Inevitably Little T wants to be picked up while I'm carrying a stack of books. So I have to ditch the books in the stroller, quickly sanitize my hands, and pick him up before he starts screaming. I guess I do get exercise in strange ways, but not for 30 minutes straight.

I read on another blog that she's going to participate in a Blogging Marathon. I'm not telling you who, because I don't want to encourage her. She's not the only one. 215 people have signed up. I think it's very silly. Basically folks give you pledges if you blog every 30 minutes for 24 hours. I'm already available 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I hope it doesn't break your heart that it's not for you. I hope 24 hour marathons are not a new trend. A couple months ago, I was asked to donate and run for a 24 hour relay for some charity that I don't remember. I liked the charity, but I refused to donate or walk, and I've tried to block which one it was, so I wouldn't be prejudiced against them. I guess my mind block worked.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not against sacrifice. And I'm all for exercise marathons, because they give people motivation to get into better shape and also fundraise. But meaningless sacrifices just give people the false sense they're doing something great. Instead they could have done the same thing with less effort and spent the extra time making a meaningful sacrifice. If your charity is for sick children, why not spend just a fraction of the time you would have spent blogging 30 minutes for 24 hours to bring a meal to your local Ronald McDonald house. Or if it's for homeless people or a anti-hunger charity, serve soup at a homeless shelter.

No I'm not doing any of these things. If you've been reading, you'll know that dealing with my special needs son's day-to-day needs is about all the sacrifice I can handle right now. But you can bet that when I have the bandwidth to make other sacrifices, I will not consider blogging to be one of them. C disagrees with me. What do you think?

I went to a surgeon today for a lump in my right forearm and he said it was a lipoma, a benign fatty tumour. It's grown in the last 3 months since I first noticed it. It was smaller than a dime and beneath the skin. I only noticed it because Special K was rubbing my arm. Now it's the size of a quarter and bulges out ever so slightly in my arm. It's probably not noticeable to anyone but me.

Jenny told me that "dogs get them a lot...old dogs." I said "Thanks a lot Jenny. I'm officially an old dog." I didn't ask the surgeon if losing weight would help, but I think it's a good motivator to lose weight. It hurts a little more when it's touched now that it's bigger. Plus I don't want it to get big enough to be noticeable to anyone. Little T should have the corner on tumours in the arm in this family!

First thing I'm doing is to stop buying any more desserts and candy. Problem is our nanny gave us chocolate this morning. Then I have to decide if I want to go on a diet and if so, which one? I dieted once several years ago BC (before children). I went on Atkins for 3 months. I lost 15lb, which is about what I want to lose now. Atkins prevented me from eating ice cream and chocolate, which are my downfalls. However I'm not sure if I can survive my current rather stressful life with no chocolate. And I don't do sugarfree stuff.

So I'm considering Weight Watchers, not the meetings, prepared food etc, just the point counting. Jenny just started Weight Watchers point counting and has this spreadsheet. That seems kind of a pain. C says I should exercise more and eat less. That seems sensible. To be honest, I'm not sure if I can even diet. For me to a certain extent, food and sleep are fungible. If I eat more, I can sleep less. I think I read somewhere about a study that proved this point. Anyway I'm still not getting enough sleep. Guess that means I should go to bed now. But before I go, if wouldn't mind sharing what diet and exercise works/ed for you? Goodnight!

My friend Mary Anne blogged how she gets her daily exercise with Dance Dance Revolution. I bought Dance Dance Revolution a while ago to get myself to exercise, but the mat never worked properly. Today I ran across Daily Dancer's Blog which features his first video. The Daily Dancer has lost weight since his first video.

I still have my post pregnancy belly and I need to start exercising again. Maybe the mat didn't work, because my PC was too slow. I've since upgraded my PC, so maybe now it'll be able to keep up with my lightening fast dance moves! ;)