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Expectant

I have already given my heart away. It has gone to a dog. I don't know this dog's name or face, but I already love. I am expectant. Sort of like when I was pregnant, I already loved both kids.

I have some vague idea of what it might be like to have a dog, to love a dog, but not really. I know what it's like to have someone glued to one's side -- a baby that needs me, not a dog that will help me as well and will also need me in similar ways and differently. And my cats who in my salad days were always there for a good cuddle.

I love my children alternately fiercely as only a mother can, and gently because now I can say with great relief that both of them will grow up to be independent. And sometimes the fierceness makes my daughter groan, but what can a mother do?

I am not sure how to love a partner you spend so much time with, and yet it's so concentrated. At best, we'll be together a score years and that's the very longest I can hope for.

Regardless I know it will be different than how I love my children or my husband or my siblings or my parents. Not better or worse. The heart loves all or none.

My grandparents used to sign their letters "all my love." And I knew it was all their love for me. All my love has gone to a dog. That's all I know.

Comments

( 13 notes — Leave a note )
porfinn
Jan. 22nd, 2008 10:16 pm (UTC)
That's very sweet and touching. Dogs are very simple, and seem to love their humans the same way. I think there is a lot to be said for the quote about being the person your dog thinks you are. I think you and your new friend are going to get along just fine.
waterowl
Jan. 23rd, 2008 02:44 am (UTC)
Aww thanks, I sure hope so! :)
emerge
Jan. 22nd, 2008 10:34 pm (UTC)
Lovely, lovely post. (((HUG)))
nightengalesknd
Jan. 23rd, 2008 02:28 am (UTC)
Hi again

batshua and your user info reminded me you're a dystonia person. I have dystonic cerbral palsy first misdiagnosed as handwriting dystonia. Have you seen neuromovements yet? No one has posted there in ages but it's been a neat community when people do post. . .
waterowl
Jan. 23rd, 2008 02:43 am (UTC)
I'm a member of neuromovements, but haven't read it in a while.

I've not found simply naming a diagnosis too helpful since doctors seem to use them to describe different things. What are your symptoms? Feel free to email.

I see you know sepdet who was my "baby frosh" down the hall from me. I thought your LJ name seemed somehow familiar, but couldn't think why.
nightengalesknd
Jan. 23rd, 2008 03:54 am (UTC)
sepdet graduated the year before I arrive, I believe, either that or the prior year. I've met her a few times in real life but mostly I was raised on the stories. I was flattered to be compared favorably to her, as I ended up taking on a bit of the mother hen counselor role. I think I got her hands as well. . .

As far as symptoms. . . I toe-walk which led to chronic hip pain over time. My balance is poor and if someone taps me on the shoulder I startle like babies do and then I have about a 50% chance of topping over. Using a cane now to counteract some of these issues. When I sit down in a chair and get excited my legs stick straight out into the air. Some of these have gotten worse over the years, which only partly explains how I got to 28 before anyone else besides me thought they were a problem.

Aside from that it's mostly my hands. They look fine at rest. I can handwrite a few sentences before I drop the pen with dystonic movements. Sometimes I can get a few more sentences if I hold my writing hand with the other hand or switch pen hands. (I'm adextrous not ambidextrous) If I keep pushing I get clonus that can last half an hour. The same thing happens when I use other tools which require strength such as sewing a button or opening a jar. Grip strength is half normal for a woman my age.

"Handwriting Dystonia" is a focal dystonia that is supposed to only occur in the context of handwriting, leaving other manual tasks unimpaired. Which is why I don't actually have that. . .
waterowl
Jan. 23rd, 2008 06:04 pm (UTC)
Aww yeah I heard sepdet became a mother hen.

Thanks for sharing your symptoms!! What you said about your clonus intrigues me. I'll have to think more about it since mine is definitely situational, but less obviously so.

nightengalesknd
Jan. 28th, 2008 04:36 am (UTC)
I have the only clonus I've ever seen that is not mostly elicited by reflex testing. Of course it if was, it might have been caught sooner by someone besides me.

I am putting onto your journal one chasingtides current BMC senior, Backsmokerite, and person with dystonia. It occurs to me that that makes three of us in just under two decades which seems like a lot but Backsmokerites seem prone to bucking medical odds. I believe she was on the waiting list for a service dog at one point, possibly with CCI, although I haven't talked with her about it recently.
sandokai
Jan. 23rd, 2008 02:43 am (UTC)
I couldn't believe how much it seemed like my heart had new spaces in it when I got my dog.



... you friended my on Rainswolf, but I read my friendslist from this one more often so I'm friending you back from here.
waterowl
Jan. 23rd, 2008 02:48 am (UTC)
That's a lovely thing to write.

I love your photography on rainswolf which I saw from emerge. I'm confused by the two account. Is one writing and the other photos?
sandokai
Jan. 23rd, 2008 02:51 am (UTC)
Oh, indeed.... currently rainswolf is photography and starswolf is writing (with a few photos). I won't feel bad if you don't "friend" both, though. Lately I have been reading rainswolf more than I used to.

brighid0704
Jan. 23rd, 2008 04:20 pm (UTC)
I'm super excited for you. There's nothing like the partnership between person and dog. It's amazing, but so indescribeable.
waterowl
Jan. 23rd, 2008 06:05 pm (UTC)
I'm excited to chat more with you about it when it happens. So close and yet so far.
( 13 notes — Leave a note )